Feeling Vulnerable: Kavod haTorah II
I’m feeling vulnerable! Just when we thought the worst was over and moved everything back outside, the wind began to really blow! A huge tree just in front of our home blew down pulling the electrical cables with it, and put the entire neighborhood into the dark.
The tree just missed our car. It fell on top of our neighbor’s car without actually touching the car! Its branches are holding it up. Just its leaves are brushing against the vehicle. The police didn’t want us to walk anywhere in the area because of the electrical cables.
It was not the hurricane that made me feel vulnerable. It wasn’t the wind. It wasn’t the tree or the electrical cables. I realized that my grandfather zt”l grew up using candles at night in a much smaller home, and with much less safety. He was not fazed by the dark; he just kept on learning. He wasn’t fazed by not having hot coffee; he just kept on learning. He wasn’t fazed by the wind; he just kept on learning, and learning and learning. That’s why I am feeling so vulnerable!
My life has become so dependent on externals that my learning suffers when I lose just a few of them! My Torah study is vulnerable to external circumstances in a way that my grandfather’s learning was not.
I’ve been trying to figure out why God wanted me to experience someone accusing me of lacking proper respect for Torah (Real Kavod haTorah). The explanation is obvious; I am lacking in respect for my own learning. It is too fragile and dependent on circumstances. The best way to honor my mother, may she live and be well, is to honor the Torah she raised me to learn, independent of any and all externals.
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